A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the
class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying
attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was
quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised
and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him go down to the principal's office, he
was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it
and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to
investigate only to find him sitting there with his penis out of his pants!
"I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said,
"And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and
pick me up from school ..."
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of
drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll
give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps
the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement..
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin',
where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see
if I could do it first".
All Wet Comparison
How To Shower Like a Woman:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your
husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut
so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long
loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced
with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes
until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes
as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide
to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose
the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African
Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with
nails./tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas
and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way,
shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to
see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower, of course).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the
floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass
your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, say, "Yeah baby,"
and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as
you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got
to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the
street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madame
"Why yes sir, this IS a union house."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the UPS man said. He looked around the room and
pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, then, gesturing to an obese
fifty-five year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
Psychiatry and Proctology
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading,
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town fathers were not too happy with the sign, and they proposed
"Hysterias and Posteriors."
The doctors didn't find it acceptable, so they suggested "Schizoids
The town didn't like that either and countered with "Catatonics and
Thumbs down again. By now the story was in the papers, and
suggestions began rolling in:
"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."
"Minds and Behinds."
"Lost Souls and Ass-holes."
"Analysis and Anal Cysts."
"Queers and Rears."
"Nuts and Butts."
"Freaks and Cheeks."
"Loons and Moons."
None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally
settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds & Ends."
There's this couple. He's 87 and she's 86 years old. They just got
married and are on their honeymoon. In the Hotel room, she slips into
something sexy and crawls into bed and waits for her new groom. He's in
he bathroom sprucing himself up.
She waits.. and waits.. 'til she can't wait any longer. She gets up
and goes to the bathroom and opens the door. Peering in she sees him bent
over on the toilet trying to put on a condom. She asks "Honey, what are you
doing?" and giggles. "I'm 86 years old and can't get pregnant anymore."
He looks up at her and says "I know, but honey, you know how the
dampness effects my arthritis."
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 01 /14 /2001