Monday; Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to
cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat
12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I
to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
Tuesday; we wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve
without dressing". So I didn't dress. But, Bill happened to bring a
home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the
Wednesday; I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash
thoroughly before steaming the rice". So I heated some water and took a
bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the
week. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday; Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It
"prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before
I hunted all over the garden by my mom's. So I tossed my salad into the
of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it.
came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Friday; Today I
found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl
and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must
been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again
looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday; Bill went shopping today
brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I
don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm,
I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real
cute. When Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
Sunday; Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but
all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set
the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out
Monday; I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "mix well and
knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk." I just
bake bread if I have to double in bulk.
Goodnight Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for
tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bill.
1. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad
at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out
2. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
3. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking
five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't
know where she is.
4. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
5. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would
not be caught dead in otherwise.
6. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
7. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without
arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
9. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands
there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
10. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of
11. I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability
to use Language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates
us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
12. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your
three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
13. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
14. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They
always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go.
I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of
15. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede
jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket"?
she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know
there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
16. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
17. Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
through my fishburger and I realize, "Oh my God..I could be
eating a slow learner."
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being
sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether
to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped
society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world
and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something
I've never done before.
In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it
will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There
were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the
water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the
temperature was perfect.
Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is
Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the
clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It
was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute
and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire
to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found
Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark
cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This
is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened.
What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful
women playing in the water?"
God says, "That was the screen saver".
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 1 /23 /2000