A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
" Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother--he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "DeNephew."
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near
death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Freds' condition appeared
to deteriorate, and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol'
Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so
he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was
finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket
that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said , "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I
haven't looked at it, but knowing, Fred I'm sure there's a word of
inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read, "Please
step to your left - you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
Three men in a nursing home were discussing the downfalls of
being their age. The first man says, "nothing is worse than
being 75; you get up in the morning and try to piss all day
but nothing comes out."
The second man says, "nothing is worse than being 80; you eat
lots of bran and fiber and when you try to crap nothing comes
The third man says, "nothing is worse than being 85!" The first
man asks, "what's so wrong with being 85?" The man replies,
"every morning I piss at 6:00, then I take a crap at 6:30."
The first man says, "you're telling me you piss at 6:00 every
morning and take a crap at 6:30 every morning. Whats so wrong
The man replies, "I don't wake up until 7:00!!"
A little eight-year-old boy had never spoken a word in his life. One
afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and
said, "Soup's cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you
speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you
The boy looked at her and said, "Up until now, everything's been
Once, there was a middle-aged man who had four daughters. After
coming home from a stressful day at work, he sat down to watch a
baseball game. He is then interrupted by a knock at the door. There
stands a young man. The father then asks, "May I help you?"
The boy says, "Hi. My name is Jim, I'm here to see Kim. We're going
for a swim - can I come in?"
The father, amused, lets the boy in and calls his daughter, and the
couple head out.
He once again sits down to watch T.V. Startled by the doorbell, he
gets up to answer the door. Once again, there stands a young man. He
says, "Hi, my name's Eddie, I'm here to see Betty. We're going to eat
spaghetti - is she ready?"
The father, now perplexed, says, "Yes," and proceeds to call his
daughter, and the couple leaves.
The man sits down once again. As luck would have it, he was
interrupted from his baseball game again. He answers the door and
sees yet another young man standing there. The boy says, "Hi my
name's Joe. I'm here to see Flo - we're going to the show. Can she
The man, now slightly annoyed, calls his daughter down, and the two
Expecting to sit down to a quiet game of baseball, the father starts
to relax just as the doorbell rang yet AGAIN! What he sees does not
shock him. Another young man is standing there. "May I help you?"
asks the father.
"Hi! My name's Chuck."
The father shot him.
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 2/3/03