Think About It
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut
right in front of a pick-up truck causing him to have to drive on
to the shoulder. This evidently angered the driver off enough,
that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that
guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave
in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in
traffic and here's why:
I drive 38 miles each way to work every day. That's 76 miles. Of
these, 16 miles each way, is bumper-to-bumper traffic. Most of
the bumper-to- bumper traffic is on an 8 lane highway, so if you
look just at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something
like one car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet
for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31424
cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper
traffic, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings
the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically half of these cars are driven by females. That's
18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the
worst day of their period. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan,
70% of women describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
70% of 642 is 449. According to the National Institute of Health,
22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's
33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females
carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female
that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem,
has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst
day of her period, and is armed. So... No matter what she does
in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off!
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of
The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob
The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my
To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as
The Pentagon recently found it had too many
generals and offered an early retirement bonus.
They promised any general who retired his full
benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in
a straight line between any two points on the
general's body, with the general getting to
select any pair of points he wished. The first
man, an Army general, accepted. He asked
the pension man to measure from the top of his
head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked
out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Air Force general, asked them to
measure from the tip of his outstretched hands
to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a
check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine,
was asked where to measure, he told the pension
man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom
of my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the
Marine general might like to reconsider,
pointing out the nice checks the previous two
generals had received. The Marine insisted and
the pension expert said that would be fine, but
that he'd better get the medical officer to do
The medical officer attended and asked the
general to drop 'em. He did.
The medical officer placed the tape on the tip
of the general's penis and began to work back.
"My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam."
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the
Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that.
" "It's quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."
Another Little Johnny Joke
One morning in school the teacher decided to teach the children the
different names adult & young creatures have. So she draws a picture of a
dog & asks the class what the baby animal would be called, well out comes,
"A puppy". She then draws a kitten, and asks the class what an adult would
be called, and heard, "A cat".
Now the teacher draws a picture of a fawn, with all the spots, she asks
the class what the adult would be? No answer! She removes the spots, no
reply, she draws horns, and tells the class the animal eats grass and has
horns, still no answer. She tells them one more clue, your mother is doing
dishes and your father walks up behind her, puts his arms around her and
kisses her on the back of the neck! She will call him this name!
Little Johnny in the back of the room has his arm in the air in a
flash, he calls out "Is that a horny bastard"?
Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position of having
to buy condoms, something I hadn`t had to do for better than twenty years.
The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy clerk for some
help. He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in
the dark (assuming you can`t find it any other way), Magnum size (no
laughing), and more. At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which
condom he recommended. He replied "The condom made of lamb intestine has a
more natural feel." I said "Not to us city boys."
A drunk came from a bar at two o'clock in the morning and promptly walked
into the nearest light post. Unable to see straight, he felt the post
carefully with his hands and proceeded to walk all around it three or four
times, examining all sides of the post with his hands. Finally, he slumped
down on the curb and buried his head in his hands. "It's no use," he sobbed.
"I'm walled in."
Q: What goes "oooo, oooo, oooo?"
A: A cow with no lips!
An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a
Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Without
looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it
through that curtain." Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls
out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains. "That's not a
foot!" screams the receptionist. "Holy shit, lady. I never knew you had a
A blonde is standing on the bank of a lake, as she looks across the lake
she sees another blonde. She yells across, "Hey, how do I get across the
lake?" The other blonde yells back, "YOU ARE ALREADY ACROSS THE LAKE!"
George Bush is out jogging one morning, notices Little Johnny on the corner
with a box. Curious he runs over to Little Johnny and says, "What's in the
box kid?" Little Johnny says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens." George
Bush laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?" "Republicans," says
Little Johnny. "Oh that's cute," he says and he goes on his way. A couple of
days later George Bush is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies
Little Johnny with his box just ahead. George Bush says to Dick, "You gotta
check this out" and they both jog over to Little Johnny. George Bush says,
"Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey
kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are." Little Johnny
replies, "They're Democrats." "Whoa!" George Bush says, "I came by here the
other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?" "Well," Little
Johnny explains, "Their eyes are open now."
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 02 /11 /2001