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I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pick-up truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently angered the driver off enough, that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 38 miles each way to work every day. That's 76 miles. Of these, 16 miles each way, is bumper-to-bumper traffic. Most of the bumper-to- bumper traffic is on an 8 lane highway, so if you look just at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like one car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper traffic, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these cars are driven by females. That's 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% of women describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. 70% of 642 is 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed. So... No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off!

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired his full benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished. The first man, an Army general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Air Force general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did.
The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "In Vietnam."

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that.
" "It's quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."


Another Little Johnny Joke

One morning in school the teacher decided to teach the children the different names adult & young creatures have. So she draws a picture of a dog & asks the class what the baby animal would be called, well out comes, "A puppy". She then draws a kitten, and asks the class what an adult would be called, and heard, "A cat".

Now the teacher draws a picture of a fawn, with all the spots, she asks the class what the adult would be? No answer! She removes the spots, no reply, she draws horns, and tells the class the animal eats grass and has horns, still no answer. She tells them one more clue, your mother is doing dishes and your father walks up behind her, puts his arms around her and kisses her on the back of the neck! She will call him this name!

Little Johnny in the back of the room has his arm in the air in a flash, he calls out "Is that a horny bastard"?


A Collection

Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position of having to buy condoms, something I hadn`t had to do for better than twenty years. The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy clerk for some help. He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in the dark (assuming you can`t find it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more. At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which condom he recommended. He replied "The condom made of lamb intestine has a more natural feel." I said "Not to us city boys."

A drunk came from a bar at two o'clock in the morning and promptly walked into the nearest light post. Unable to see straight, he felt the post carefully with his hands and proceeded to walk all around it three or four times, examining all sides of the post with his hands. Finally, he slumped down on the curb and buried his head in his hands. "It's no use," he sobbed. "I'm walled in."

Q: What goes "oooo, oooo, oooo?"
A: A cow with no lips!

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain." Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains. "That's not a foot!" screams the receptionist. "Holy shit, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!"

A blonde is standing on the bank of a lake, as she looks across the lake she sees another blonde. She yells across, "Hey, how do I get across the lake?" The other blonde yells back, "YOU ARE ALREADY ACROSS THE LAKE!"

George Bush is out jogging one morning, notices Little Johnny on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to Little Johnny and says, "What's in the box kid?" Little Johnny says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens." George Bush laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?" "Republicans," says Little Johnny. "Oh that's cute," he says and he goes on his way. A couple of days later George Bush is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies Little Johnny with his box just ahead. George Bush says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to Little Johnny. George Bush says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are." Little Johnny replies, "They're Democrats." "Whoa!" George Bush says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?" "Well," Little Johnny explains, "Their eyes are open now."

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 02 /11 /2001