A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
Football in Bed
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few
minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over
and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown,
I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie
score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says,
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so
he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally
unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he
poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local
One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big,
hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms
answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your
The guy was amused, and decides to humor her a bit,
so he says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join.
The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies "Yep ...my bike's parked
over there," and points to a flamed black Harley
chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady
replies, "Yep, I drink like a fish. I'll drink any
man in your club under the table.
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old
lady replies, "Yep, I smoke like a chimney. At least
4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a
couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting
The biker is very impressed and asks,"You sound like
one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up
by the fuzz? The little old lady says, "Nope, but I've
been swung around by my tits a few times.
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog he
doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the local Baptist
pastor and asked, "Pastor, my dog is dead. Could you do a funeral
for the creature?"
Pastor Jones replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the
church, but there's a new denomination down the road - no telling what
they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate
for the service?"
Pastor Patrick asked, "Why didn't you TELL me the dog was Baptist?"
The Outhouse Poem
The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"
Words Women Use And What They Mean
This is the word we use at the end of any argument
that we feel we are right about but need to shut
you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman
looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last
before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's
an even trade.
This means something and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling
a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually
signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end
with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want
because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow
"Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five
Minutes" when she cools off.
This is not actually a word, but is still often a
verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A
"Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft
Sighs" are one of the few things that some men
actually understand. She is content. Your best bet
is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
This is one of the most dangerous statements that
a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that
she wants to think long and hard before paying you
retributions for what ever it is that you have
done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word
"Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go
Ahead." At some point in the near future when she
has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman
is giving you the chance to come up with whatever
excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the
truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say
THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks." A woman will
say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off
at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some
callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud
Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the
"Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 2/24/02