The new Texas White House in Crawford, Texas, will soon be drawing a
number of people to that area, including many who are not used to
Southern hospitality. They might find useful the following travel
Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners And
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's
just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them
cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther
Ray,Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or
we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
it's called Coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC,
Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing
otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you
(e.g.,Welty, Williams, Dickey, Faulkner, O'Henry, Wolfe, etc.). We
are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us
as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex,
Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do
sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke,
Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not
dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the
Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up
the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you
visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the
hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll
kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended-with gravy.
And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we
know better. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like
Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you
don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home
before it gets kicked.
10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way
because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't
understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we
are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone,
or we'll kick your ass.
11) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR
lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about
OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston
12) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We
hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because
such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around
our sweet little grey-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into
your ass just like they did ours.
13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live
in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore.
Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your sorry ass.
14) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how
to barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're
lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque, and you will go
home in a pine box. Minus your ass.
An Israeli doctor said "medicine in my country is so
advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and
have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said "that's nothing!". In Germany, "we can take a lung out
of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
A Russian doctor said, "in my country medicine is so
advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and
have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah!". We are about to take an
asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will
be looking for work the next day."
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after
exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches
rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Honey, It's me."
"Are you at the club?"
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a
beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001
models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he
gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW
that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account
and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the
house we looked at last year .. it's on sale!! Remember? The one with
the pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beach front
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that
much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while
holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know
who this phone belongs to?"
Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding.
Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest
mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He
takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days
when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! " Look at the size of that
bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim.
BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail
silently over the tree tops." "I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek
A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy
of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin. "Where the hell have you
been?" she asked. "You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he said.
"I've just lost you in a card game." "How did you manage to do that,
genius?" she asked sarcastically. "It wasn't easy, honest," he told her. "I
had to fold with a royal flush."
A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to
visit with his wife: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I
am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow
pushbutton 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the
right. Get in,and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left.
With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my
elbow"? "You're coming empty handed?"
Poor Dimmsdale was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens
fenced in. The neighbor kept telling him the chickens had the right to go
where they wanted. But the birds were ruining Dimmsdale's prize-winning
flowerbeds. Two weeks later, a friend visited Dimmsdale and noticed his
flowerbeds were doing great. The flowers were even beginning to bloom! The
friend asked, "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own
yard?" Dimmsdale replied, "Easy! One night I hid a dozen eggs under a bush
by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I
haven't been bothered since."
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 03 /17 /2001