RANDY THE ROOSTER
A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks, so he
goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got a great rooster, named Randy.
He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."
Well, Randy the Rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides
he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving
the rooster a pep talk. "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've
got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,"
the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand; so the farmer points toward the henhouse and
Randy took off like a shot.
Wham--- he nails every hen in there three or four times and the farmer
is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of
geese down by the lake. Wham--- he gets all the geese.
Randy's up in the barn with the pigeons; then he pays a visit to the
ducks. Randy is jumping on every fowl the farmer owns. The farmer is
distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and upon waking the next day finds
Randy apparently dead as a doorknob, still as a rock, in the middle of
Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such
a colorful and valuable animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I
told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look
what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky at the circling buzzards and
says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he
needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk
clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not,
sir," the clerk told him, "but down the hall is a special machine that
should serve your purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located
the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the
opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen
seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the
mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures -
25 cents." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his
hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What
Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents." The salesman
was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in
fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the
opening with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife
for two weeks. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a
shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling
hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis... which now had a
button sewed on the tip.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK JEDI IF:
1.You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
2.Your Jedi robe is camouflage
3.You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm
4.At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
5.You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.
6.You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok
7.You have ever had an X-Wing up on blocks in your yard.
8.The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
9.Wookies are offended by your B.O.
10.You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you
didn't have to wait for a commercial.
11.You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
12.Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the
darkside...it'll be a hoot."
13.You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock
thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
14.You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.
15.You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks a
little sissy in that vest.
16.You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
17.You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in
through the window.
18.Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt
had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
19.You ever fell in love with your sister.
20.You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as
"them damn Yankees."
21.You have a cousin wo bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
22.You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a red wood
23.You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the
24.In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow "just ain't right."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!!!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup
of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front
of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing! He should see the BACK of
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 4 /15 /2000