04-17-1999
Home--Jokes Homepage
Rules for Email Writeres -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
1.Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2.Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3.And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4.It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5.Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6.Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7.Be more or less specific.
8.Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9.Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10.No sentence fragments.
11.Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12.Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13.Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14.One should NEVER generalize.
15.Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16.Don't use no double negatives.
17.Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18.One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19.Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20.The passive voice is to be ignored.
21.Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22.Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23.Kill all exclamation points!!!!
24.Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25.Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26.Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27.Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28.If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29.Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30.Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31.Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32.Who needs rhetorical questions?
33.Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally...
34.Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
TOP
3 Old Ladies
Three little old ladies were sitting in their rocking chairs on the front porch of their house. A man came by wearing a trench coat. He opened up the trench coat and flashed the three little old ladies.
The first little old lady had a stroke.
The second little old lady also had a stroke.
The third little old lady couldn't reach him.
TOP
What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common?
1) They both cost about $100.
2) They both last about 30 seconds.
3) In both cases, if the rubber breaks, you're a dead man.
TOP
A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
TOP
Wrong Thing to Say
"Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?"
"You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember."
"Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin. When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spaulding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear.
"That was the last thing I remember.
TOP
Wuff!
It's Harold's first day in the carpool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the snatch, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.
They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can't stand it. Burnett asks, "Harold, it's none of my business, but
why'd you kiss her down there?"
Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning."
TOP
Home--Jokes Homepage
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/17/99 Updated: 6/9/99