A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do wanna buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here now!" says the priest.
A couple was having trouble conceiving a child, so they went to the doctor and he told them that the problem was one of position.
He told the man to do it doggie fashion.
The man said, "What is that?"
The doctor replied, "Just watch the dogs and do like they do."
The man said, "My wife is very shy and she won't do that."
The doctor replied, "Give her a cocktail or two and she will lose all inhibition."
Some while later the doctor met the man pushing a baby carriage.
"I see it worked, but why are *YOU* pushing the baby carriage??!" the doctor said.
"Yes it did Doc, but the problem is...my wife is now an alcoholic!"
"How did that happen?" the doctor asked.
"Well, every time we did it...it took seven or eight drinks just to get her out into the front yard."
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who
should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face
rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and walked up to the bar.
"What will you have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"
Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting an erection. Can you help me?"
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are
damaged. If you're willing to try an experimental treatment we may be able to help you."
"What is this treatment?" asks Jack.
"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
Jack thinks about it and says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is terrible, let's go for it."
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his date and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants.
His date was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
Jack, with his eyes watering said, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."
E-MAIL FACTS OF LIFE
1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true." Furthermore, just because someone said in the message, four generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit," does not actually make it true.
2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are insistent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see:
<<< << http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm> >> >>
And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories.
None have." That's "none," as in "ZERO". Not even your friend's cousin.
3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at:
<< << http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html >> >>
Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on. (But I hear they stink.)
4. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter?
5. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with virii. Try:
<< << http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/hoax.html >> >>
And even then, don't forward it. We don't care.
6. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, you're probably going to be punished eternally. (Ever heard of BCC :?)
7. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off "HTML encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and don't care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman-Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.
8. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ">" that begin each line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times, we've probably already seen it.
9. Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is also no longer a "little boy" either.
10. The American Cancer Society is not paying 3 cents per e-mail sent for a cancer patient....several variations on this one. See:
<<< << http://www.cancer.org/letter.html> >> >>.
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 6/9/99