05-13-2000
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Don't Make a Nurse Angry
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in
the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because
the bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to
do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could
stand up to him. She came into his room and announced,
"I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled
down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I
cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round
of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared
his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard
her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay
JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He
curses under his breath as he hears people walking past
his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor
comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't
you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I
haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."
TOP
A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds
himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the Angels are
singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his
name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he
thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over,
apologizes for not greeting him personally at the pearlygates, shakes his
hand and says, 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for
you!
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the attorney sheepishly
looks at Saint Peter and says, 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God fearing
life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but
congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really
special when I was alive.'
'Congratulations for what?', says Saint Peter, totally amazed at
the man's modesty. 'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160
years old! God himself wants to see you!' The lawyer is awestruck and
can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape. When he regains his
power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I lived
my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and
be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.'
'That's simply impossible my son,' says Saint Peter. 'We've added
up your time sheets.'
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of
comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while,
they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer
is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great! We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake-he
should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where
are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so ... unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality?
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird?'
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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 5 /13 /2000