A man has six children and is very proud of his virility.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife
"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's
time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready
to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall
we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion
shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell because she's got a hand grenade
clenched between her teeth.
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear,
wondering what she did with her pencil.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jell-O?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of
water into those little packages.
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: They can't fit their head in the jar.
My Exercise Diary:
For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons
the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on
varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go
and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who
she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.
My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.
Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it
arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something
goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the
machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She
little alarmed that it was
so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers
about ten points.
Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did
sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in
whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!
Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it.
Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the
Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly
the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all
Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I
developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient
me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The
hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a
to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise
make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl.
can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to
shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word
must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent
looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It
Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other
being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not
extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good
work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you, Tanya, I don't have
And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I
to accept responsibility for the damage. YOU went to sadist school, YOU
to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt
crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music or social
Day 6. I Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I
lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight
of the weather channel.
Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next
wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 6 /3 /2000