07-23-2000

If You Had a Klingon Programmer

12) "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"

11) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"

10) "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've heard it and read it in the original Klingon."

9) "Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"

8) "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in it's wake."

7) "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."

6) "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."

5) "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."

4) "A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"

3) "By filing this defect you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!"

2) "You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!"

1) "Our user's will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"

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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

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Signs That You Are No Longer A Kid

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
3. Your back goes out more than you do.
4. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
5. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
6. You are proud of your lawn mower.
7. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
8. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
9. You sing along with the elevator music.
10. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
11. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
12. You make an appointment to see the dentist.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
15. You answer a question with, "Because I said so"
16. You send money to PBS.
17. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
18. You take a metal detector to the beach.
19. You wear black socks with sandals.
20. You know what the word "equity" means.
21. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
22. Your ears are hairier than your head.
23. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
24. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
25. You got cable for the weather channel. ("Old Folks MTV")
26. You can go bowling without drinking.
27. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
28. People send you this list.

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A Prayer for the Stressed

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Fridays. And help me to remember: When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

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Future Physician

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still my heart, thought the physician, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

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So there's this penguin driving across the Nullarbor Plain (that's in Australia) and it's a *really* hot day - and that's bad news for a penguin. So, the penguin is driving and saying "Sheesh" a lot and wiping his brow with his flipper and then the car starts acting up!

Bumpity bumpity bump... "Oh great", thinks the penguin. To his relief, there is a service station not too far further along. He drives in, parks his car, hops out and waddles over to the mechanic. "Can you have a look at my car?", says the penguin, "it's making a funny sound. "Sure" says the mechanic.

"Sheesh," thinks the penguin. "It's so hot!. I think I'll go inside to the air conditioning." So he waddles over and goes inside. He mooches around, flicking through magazines, killing time. He decides he'll buy an ice cream to help him cool down. Then he goes back out to the car.

"Sheesh," he says as he waddles back over the tarmac. "It's really hot." and he's making a real mess of the ice cream, on account of it being so hot and him being a penguin and only being able to hold it with his flipper. He spills more of it over himself than he gets in his mouth.

He gets back to the car and comes up to the mechanic who's leaning over the engine. The mechanic looks up at him and says, "Hmm... Looks like you've blown a seal." "Oh no," laughs the penguin, "That's only ice cream."

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 7 /23 /2000