In a Railroad Passenger car were Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde and a very large woman.
After several minutes of the trip,
the train passes through a dark tunnel,
then the unmistakable sound
of a slap is heard.
When they leave the tunnel,
Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought -
"That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me
and by mistake,
he must have put his hand on
the large lady,
who must have slapped his face"
The large woman thought -
"That dirty old Bill Clinton
laid his hands on the blonde
and she smacked him".
Bill Clinton thought -
"The large woman must have
put her hand on that blonde
and by mistake the blonde slapped me".
George Bush thought -
"I hope there's another tunnel soon
so I can smack Clinton again".
How to handle a speeding ticket
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has following
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the
owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the
woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his
captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain
approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if
there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said
there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding,
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods
turns to Wonder and says "How's the singing career
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems
with my swing, but I think I've got that going right
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes
wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not
think about it. Then, the next time I play,
it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf
if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the
middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for
the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him.
Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy
moves to the green or farther down the fairway and
again I play the ball toward his voice.
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in
front of the hole and call to me with his head on the
ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to
play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously,
so I only play for money, and never play for less than
$10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for
that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 7/28/01