08-04-2001

=== Birth Control ===

Three women were talking together, and the subject of birth control came up.

The first woman said, "Because of my religion, I can't use birth control."

The second woman said, "My husband and I use the rhythm method."

The third woman said, "My husband and I use the bucket-and-saucer method."

She was asked how it worked.

She said, "I'm 5'11" and my husband is 5'2". When we have sex, he stands on the bucket. When his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him.

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A woman is flying on a jumbo-jet to Europe. After they get up in the air the loudspeaker comes on: "This is your captain Emilia Rodrigues. We are cruising at 35,000 feet .. etc. etc."

When the announcement is finished the woman passenger beckons to a stewardess and asks, "Is it really true that this great big airplane is being flown by a woman?"

"Yes, says the stewardess, Captain Rodrigues is a woman."

"How wonderful! I am so excited! Do you think you can arrange for me to go up to the cockpit to congratulate her?"

"Yes, I think I can arrange that. You might also like to know that the co-pilot is also a woman."

"Oh, how exciting. This is wonderful news! Please let me go to the cockpit so I can congratulate them both!"
"OK, you can do that. You might like to know that actually the entire crew of this plane are women."

"That is the most exciting thing I have heard in a long time ... this has really made my day ... I just have to go to the cockpit to express my admiration!"
"One more thing you might like to know ... we don't call it the cockpit any more."

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NEW CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S EXAM

For those of you who are not fortunate enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard.
This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name:___________________
Stage name: ____________________
Agent:__________________
Attorney:_______________________

Sex:
___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
*If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[x] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?:
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

When stopped by police, you should:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 10/27/01