08-12-2000
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Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with "the boys."
I told the misses that I would be home by midnight...promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down
easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up,
so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself,
having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a
possible conflict.
The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and
I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I
asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said
'shit,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another
3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice then giggled."
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Classified Add
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone
555-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It
should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 555-0707 and
ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received
several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the
classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale --
R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 after 7
P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed
it. Don't call 555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not
been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper
but she quit!
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Age Barometer
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
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THE RABBI IS EXPECTING
There once was a rabbi, whose wife was expecting a baby.
He went to the congregation and asked for a raise. They passed a rule
that when the rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The
congregation held a meeting about this. As you can imagine, there was
much discussion.
The rabbi gets up to the bima and speaks "Having children is an act of
GOD!"
A little man in the back rises and says, "Point of
information... snowing and raining are an acts of GOD, .....but we
wear rubbers!"
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Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed.?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat it - we're closed.
Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. To find a tight seal.
A. Incontinence Hotline...
Q. Can you hold, please?
Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie
to me!"
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is
on the outside?
A. K9P.
Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough
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Morris is at work one day when he notices that his
co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his
co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is
curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." "Hey
Joe, he yells out - I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it,...it's only an
earring." Says Joe sheepishly. "No really," probes Morris,
"How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 8 /12 /2000