08-19-1999

Comparison of Religious Theory in the Late 20th Century

Based on the Capitalist's Expression of Faith "He who dies with the most toys, wins"

7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Baptist - Once played, always played.
B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Calvinism - He who dies with the most toys was eternally predestined to win
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Hedonism - To heck with the rule book!? Let's play!
Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Pantheism - All toys are interrelated or There are no toys--everything is sacred.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Unitarian - I respect your toy even if you disrespect mine.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.

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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

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Odd Facts

* Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy.

* Dr. Seuss and Kurt Vonnegut went to college together. They were even in the same fraternity, where Seuss decorated the fraternity house walls with drawings of his strange characters.

* The Les Nessman character on the TV series WKRP in Cincinnati wore a band- aid in every episode. Either on himself, his glasses, or his clothing.

* John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

* Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for "Lord of the Flies", and this is where the book's title comes from.

* The term "devil's advocate" comes from the Roman Catholic church. When deciding if someone should be sainted, a devil's advocate is always appointed to give an alternative view.

* Before Prohibition, Shlitz Brewery owned more property in Chicago than anyone else, except the Catholic Church.

* It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is 'shake' and the 46th word from the last word is 'spear'.

* In 1986, Danny Heep became the first player in a World Series to be a designated hitter (DH) with the initials "D.H."

* In the four major US professional sports, (Baseball, Basketball, Football and Hockey), there are only seven teams whose nicknames do not end with an "S:" Basketball: The Miami Heat, The Utah Jazz, The Orlando Magic. Baseball: The Boston Red Sox, The Chicago White Sox. Hockey: The Colorado Avalanche, The Tampa Bay Lightning. Football: None.

* In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20, 1969, a few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first, and only, home run.

* When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home to a sellout crowd, the full stadium becomes the state's third largest city.

* Kermit the Frog is left-handed.

* The lifespan of a tastebud is ten days.

* Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

* The ashes of the average cremated person weigh nine pounds.

* The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F". And finally...

* If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 8/19/99