Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One
sat in the window
seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just
before take-off, a
physician got on and took the aisle seat next to
the two attorneys.
The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his
toes and was settling
in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I
think I'll get up
and get a coke."
"No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for
While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up
shoe and spat in it.
When the physician had returned with the coke, the
said, "That looks good, would you mind getting me
Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it
and while he was
gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe
and spat in it.
The Physician returned and they all sat back and
enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped
his feet into his
shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked, turning to
the two attorneys.
"This fighting between our professions? This
hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in
the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the
rest. Here is what the kids came up with:
* Better to be safe than .................. punch a 5th grader.
* Strike while the ........................ bug is close.
* It's always darkest before .............. daylight savings time.
* Never underestimate the power of ........ termites.
* You can lead a horse to water but ....... how?
* Don't bite the hand that ................ looks dirty.
* No news is .............................. impossible.
* A miss is as good as a .................. Mr.
* You can't teach an old dog .............. math.
* If you lie down with dogs, you .......... will stink in the morning.
* Love all, trust ......................... me.
* The pen is mightier than ............... the pigs.
* An idle mind is ........................ the best way to relax.
* Where there is smoke, there's .......... pollution.
* Happy is the bride who ................. gets all the presents.
* A penny saved is ....................... not much.
* Two is company, three's ................ The Musketeers.
* None are so blind as ................... Helen Keller.
* Children should be seen and not..........spanked or grounded.
* If at first you don't succeed .......... get new batteries.
* You get out of something what you ....... see pictured on the box.
* When the blind lead the blind .......... get out of the way.
* Laugh and the whole world laughs with you.
Cry and ................................ you have to blow your nose.
A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex education to her class.
She decides to use a math technique to teach the subject, and thinks flash
cards will work well.
The next day in class, she holds up the first flash card, a picture of
a breast, and asked does anyone know what this is? Little Suzie
responds I know, I know! It's a picture of a breast and my mommy has
two of them! The teacher says very good Suzie, you get a star for the
The teacher grabs the next card and holds it up. It's a picture of a
penis. She asks Does anyone know what this is? and little Tommy says I
know I know!! It a penis and my daddy has two of them!!!
The teacher says well Tommy, It is a penis but your daddy can't have
two of them. Tommy says sure he does, he's got a little one he pees
out of and a great big one he brushes mommy's teeth with!
Useful work phrases (author unknown)
1. How about never? Is never good for you?
2. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
3. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
4. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
5. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
6. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
7. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
8. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
9. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
10. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
11. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
12. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
13. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.
14. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
15. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
16. No, my powers can only be used for good.
17. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship
18. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
19. Are you a fucking ray of sunshine every day?
20. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
21. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
22. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
23. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
24. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
25. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level
I'm really quite busy.
26. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her
boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and
Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 8 /20 /2000