What a Shot!
Moses, Jesus, and an older, bearded man were out playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but
rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly, Moses raised his club, the
water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one, directly toward the same
water hazard. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of
hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and
chipped it up onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It
headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby
street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it
bounced onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolled down into the gutter, down
the down spout, out onto the fairway, and right toward the aforementioned
On the way to the pond, it hit a little stone and bounced out over the
water and onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large
bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just
then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed
over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right
into the hole for a beautiful hole-in-one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and
said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
How To Know Whether or Not You Are Ready to Have Children:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in
the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all
over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them
with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in
sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls
of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the
jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of
sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with
the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for
10:00PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever
heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set
alarm for 5:00AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look
Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask
the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store.
Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it
quietly for the last time.
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and
child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy
It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
DISORDER IN THE COURT
These are supposedly taken from actual court transcripts. Not sure I want to believe that.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red
and blue lights flashing?
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 8 /26 /2000