The Top 12 Stupid FDA Warning Labels
12. Cell phones: "Phone should always be in the offposition
before being lodged up your ass by the angry motorist you
11. Jaegermeister: "What can you possibly be thinking?"
10. Viagra: "Just remember, chump, you're STILL fat, bald and ugly!"
9. The Clapper: "Use of this product near a construction site
is not recommended."
8. Pineapple: "Not to be inserted rectally. No, seriously --
it's not a good idea."
7. Rogaine: "Excessive use may result in a career as a boxing
6. Zima: "Merely holding this bottle is obliterating your
already-remote prospects of getting laid."
5. Raquel Welch: "Contents may have settled."
4. Windows98: "May cause unpredictable behavior and loss or
corruption of d$@@NQ t!"z +~]]J; FATAL EX&~d"
3. Whitman Sampler: "Caution - you never know what you're gonna
2. El Presidente Cigars: "Should only be enjoyed orally."
and Top5's Number 1 Stupid FDA Warning Label...
1. Prozac: "Whatever"
Ads in Bills: Have you noticed that they put advertisements in with
your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to
stuff junk mail in there with them! I get back at them. I put garbage
in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I
write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what
that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff)
'Married!' (walk off). That's how wives mark their territory! You can
take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of
Cripes! My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes!' 'For Cripe's sake!' Who
would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of
'Holy Moly'! I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in
Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The
men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it! We just wake
up and we want you! And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me
the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you! We have
no blood anywhere near our optic nerve!
Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says,
'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother
that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests! Makes you wonder
where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday!
Phone-in Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote
on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I
don't know"! It costs 90 cents to call up and vote "I don't know"!
Imagine these people watching a program..."Honey, I feel very strongly
about this. Give me the phone." (into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (hangs up,
looking proud) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe
you are not sure about!" This guy probably calls up phone sex girl at
$2.95 a minute. (into phone) "I'm not in the mood!"
TWELVE MORE FROM THE PUNTRY
1 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they
lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to
Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in
the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one,
naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He
sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who
shot my paw."
4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast
while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the
menu he says,"I'll just have the eggs Benedict."
His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny
hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"
The waiter says, "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the
5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
6. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much
for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
7. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's
Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental
8. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and
asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open
9. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 P.M. One Afternoon, as the
end of the workd day approcached, the bartender was dismayed to find that
he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly he threw together a
daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in
at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
10. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a
book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
11. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
12. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a tepee;
then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me nuts. What's wrong with me?
The doctor replies: "It's very simple. Your're two tents."
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 8/28/99