09-02-2000
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WHY MEN ARE PROUD OF THEMSELVES
1. We know stuff about tanks
2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
3. We can open all our own jars
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group
5. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade
7. We can kill our own food
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend
11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack
12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices
13. Everything on our faces stays the original color
14. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough
15. We don't have to clean the house/apartment if the meter reader is coming
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth
17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
18. Same work - more pay
19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
20. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends
22. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors
24. We almost never have a "strap problem" in public
25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
26. The same hairstyle lasts for years - maybe decades
27. We don't have to shave below the neck
28. A few belches are expected and tolerated
29. Our belly usually hides our big hips
30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
31. We can do our nails with a pocketknife
32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache
33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes
TOP
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing
only the breaststroke. Just three women entered the race, a
brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on
the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore
and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore
and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete
the race,she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I
think those two other girls were using their arms."
TOP
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young, newlywed
couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special
requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to
the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two
weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations!
Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to
abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was
not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a few nights
but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the
pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able
to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go
without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What
happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took
advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, "we're not welcome at HOME DEPOT anymore either!"
TOP
STRESS MANAGEMENT
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with
a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose
head you're holding under the water.
There now, feeling better?
TOP
Actual Label Instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
(really?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure???Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction incidents if we
just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(have a lobotomy).
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 9 /2 /2000