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I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Fanta, and Sprite"

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snackbar clerk at a movie theatre for a "dark, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first arrived he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded condom, "Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she pointed it to her new husband.

As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and asked "What they don't use those things where you come from?"

"Yeah," she said "but we don't skin 'em!"

Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news, Miss Smith."
Miss Smith: "Well, give me the good news first, Doc."
Doctor: "Your lab tests came back today, and your crabs are all gone."
Miss Smith: Gee, that's great! But what's the bad news?"
Doctor: "We don't know what killed them."

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, and the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him to the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."


Woman's Instruction Book

1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
2. Remember that you are known by the idiot you accompany.
3. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.
4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You lock the door behind him.
5. So many men-so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
6. If they can put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
9. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
10. Never sleep with a man who has named his penis.
11. You might as well go for younger men. They never mature, anyway.
12. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Jump is unquestionably gay.
13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
15. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself type.
16. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they're too old for it.
17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years, proving that even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
20. If he asks what sort of books you like, tell him chequebooks.
21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh, all right, I'll stay the night,"
22. Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.
23. Remember, a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
24. If he asks you if you're faking it, tell him no, you're just practising.
25. Sadly, all men are created equal.
26. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him, "You may be. You look familiar."

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.
While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground.

Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers!

The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."

The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."

With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.

The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit.

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 9 /16 /2000