Free Speech on the Web

10-01-2000


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Another Blonde Joke

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves. Her head is struck against the ground again and again. Her head is battered against the ground, and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when. The Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut off the horse!!

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RANDY THE ROOSTER

A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks, so he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got a great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."

Well, Randy the Rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk. "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand; so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy took off like a shot.

Wham--- he nails every hen in there three or four times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham--- he gets all the geese.

Randy's up in the barn with the pigeons; then he pays a visit to the ducks. Randy is jumping on every fowl the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and upon waking the next day finds Randy apparently dead as a doorknob, still as a rock, in the middle of the yard.

Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and valuable animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky at the circling buzzards and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."


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Confession

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?"

I'm telling everybody."


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An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died.

He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"

"They're for the funeral."


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"Damn Pigs"

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies,including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length, It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
(Honey, I'm home.. what the...)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity!)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, Shit)

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Starfishes haven't got brains.

After reading all these, all I can say is "Damn Pigs"


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Sad News

I don't usually pass on news like this. I know how busy you all are but sometimes we have to pause and truly remember what life is about.....so I pass along this sad, sad news:

There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the song 'Hokey Pokey" died last week at age 83.

What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and....well, you know the rest.


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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 10 /01 /2000