A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends
$5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home
he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says
to the sales clerk,
"I hope you don't mind me asking,but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the
order taker the same question, to which the reply is,
"I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same
question. She replies,
"I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was
young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my
hand down your pants and play with your penis for about ten
minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell
and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says,
"OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says,
"That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
During the big drink-driving dragnet, a highway patrolman waited outside a
popular local bar, hoping for a bust.
At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The
man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled
around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.
After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.
He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left. He turned
his lights on, then off, wipers on then off. He started to pull forward into
the grass, then stopped. Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out
onto the road and started to drive away.
The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his light and pulled the man
over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise the
man blew 0.00! The patrolman was dumbfounded!
"This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the patrolman.
"I doubt it." said the drunk. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!"
"HI AND WELCOME TO THE MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE!"
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.
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Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
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the mother ship.
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press, no-one will answer.
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If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key
until a representative comes on the line.
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number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and
grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully
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far too busy to talk to you.
A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a
drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk
is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a
good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and
gives it to him.
The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy
and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls
to the floor in a heap.
"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes
Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he
leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr.
Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get
Murphy positioned in the car.
He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the
passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground.
Cursing softly now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him
to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the
guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the
"Hi, Mrs. Murphy? Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I
gave him a ride home."
"That was nice of you," she says, looking around, "But....where's his
At a meeting for peace negotiations Bill Clinton and Sadamm Hussein were in
Baghdad and when bill sat down in the conference room he noticed Saddamm
with three buttons on the arm of his chair. after a few minutes Sadamm
pressed the first button and a boxing glove sprung up and hit Bill square in
the jaw. In the spirit of peace Bill decided to ignore this and continued
talking until sadamm pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung out
and hill Bill in the chin. Sadamm started laughing. But again Bill ignored
this and continued . A minute later Bill saw Sadamm press the third button
and he jumped in the air. But a big boot sprung out and hit him in the
balls. Bill had decided he had enough of this and when back home.
Three weeks later the peace negotiations were re-scheduled in Washington and
as Sadamm sat down in Bills conference room he noticed Bill had three
buttons on the arm of his chair. A little while after they started talking
Bill pressed the first button but nothing happened, Bill started giggling.
They continued to talk then Bill pressed the second button, Sadamm moved but
again nothing happened. Sadamm was getting a little jumpy and Bill was
laughing even harder. A few minutes later Bill pressed the third button and
stared pissing himself but like the others nothing happened. Sadamm had
enough of this, stood up and said "That's it! I'm going back to Baghdad!" ,
to which Bill replied "What Baghdad?"
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 10 /07 /2000