The Smiths could have no children and decided to use a proxy father to
start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith
kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the
doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me
but I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,"
Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! I've
made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith,
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one
on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room
floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor?
No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can
guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions
and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his
briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith
exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out
exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work
with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult
?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to
Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and
five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs.
Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for
more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling.
I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush
my shots." Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I
just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually
chewed on your, eh......equipment ?". "That's right. Well madam, if you're
ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to
rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready
Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted !!"
A rich couple was going out for the evening
and the lady of the house decided to give
the butler, Throckmorton, the night off. She
said they would be home very late and he
should just enjoy his evening. As it turned out,
the wife didn't have a good time at the party,
so she came home early. She walked into
the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone
in the dining room having a glass of sherry.
She called for him to follow her.
She led him to the master bedroom where she
closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. "Throckmorton, unzip
He did so, carefully and it fell to the floor.
"Now, Throckmorton, unfasten my stockings and
remove my garterbelt."
He nervously, but obediently did so.
"Come on now,Throckmorton, remove my bra and
slip down my panties."
The tension mounted as he complied.
Finally, she looked at him and said,
"Throckmorton, if I ever catch you wearing my
clothes again, you're fired!"
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must
be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and
went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then
walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office
manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However,
the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog
jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I
can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a
perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and
gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned,
but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to
demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample
spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time
the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I
realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting
abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the
part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes,
but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at
him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 10/26/99