Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to
speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died,
Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes.
'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes.
After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed.
Then, I can rest in peace.' "
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this
money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with
such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this
for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and
bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'."
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?"
showing off her ten carat diamond ring.
And remember that it's ALL COMPLETELY TRUE...
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names comprise fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker:
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.
All Drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is Acetaminophen
Advil is Ibuprofen
And so on...
What's the generic name for Viagra?
Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please
take note of the attached article from the USA Today
newspaper. In the article, you will see that the
Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA
has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400)
and six hammers (value $1,029). This brings my total
payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment
of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund,"
as noted on my return.
Might I suggest that you send the above mentioned
fund a "1.5 inch screw". (See attached article...HUD
paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and
I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw
an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."
COMING OF AGE
Three older ladies were discussing the trials of getting older. One
said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in
front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it
away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing
of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem;
knock on wood," and she raps her knuckles on the table.
"Must be the door. I'll get it."
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 11/12/99