A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very
frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered "not
tonight dear, I have a headache."
The man replied "is that your final answer?"
She said "yes" and the man said "ok, then I'd like to phone a friend."
A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her
apartment, she suggested that they try a 69. "What do you mean?" he asked.
Not knowing quite how to explain, she said "you put your head between my
legs and I'll put my head between your legs"
Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head
between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart.
"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.
"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again" she said.
On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man
immediately got up and started getting dressed. "Where are you
going ?" she asked, to which he replied : "If you think I'm
sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!
You know you are in Texas when...
a) You only know five spices-salt, pepper, Ranch dressing, BBQ Sauce
b) You design your Halloween costume to fit over Wranglers and
c) The mosquitoes have landing lights.
d) You have more miles on your tractor than your car.
e) You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat.
f) You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was 90 degrees
g) Driving is better after it's rained because the potholes are filled
with mud and you don't have to take those backroads to go "mudding."
h) You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with
only 8 buttons.
i) You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car.
j) The local paper covers national and international headlines
on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local sports.
k) You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2 Hunger-Busters and fries.
l) At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
m) The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
n) You think the start of Deer season is a national holiday.
o) You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the coyotes
won't prowl on your deck.
p) You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
q) You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.
r) You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry,
and your Cowboy Boots.
s) You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer
and Deer season.
t) You actually get these jokes
and forward them to all your Texan friends.
Three cowboys - one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the
other from Texas are sitting around a campfire, out on the
lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are
famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest
cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the
corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by
the horns, with my bare hands."
The guy from Arkansas couldn't stand to be bested. "Why, I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot long rattler slid
out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that
snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked the
poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"
The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his
A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in
journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper that hired him was to
write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the
country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in
the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him
why he was there.
The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my
neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all
screwed it and then took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of
anything else that happened that made you happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's
daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time
and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. OK, let's try
this ... has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?
"The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few
seconds of thought looked up timidly at the young man and said,
"I got lost once."
"Can anyone give me a good contemporary example of the Golden Rule?"
asked the instructor in the college ethics class.
"I can sir," replied one of the students. "How about 69?"
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 11 /19 /2000