Dying... a smart Irishman
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The
doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye
and said, "I've some bad news for you ... you have the cancer and it can't
be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed
to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.
There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish
celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well.
In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a
short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by
some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He went
on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his
friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his
confusion ...."Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...?
You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"Murphy said, " I
am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them
sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was
very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to
get some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car she found
that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to
her sick daughter, she didn't know what to do, so she called her home and
told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do.
The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said,
"You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door".
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been
thrown down on the ground possibly by someone else who at some time or
other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger
and said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five
minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who
was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Great
God. This is what you sent to help me????" But, she was desperate, so she
was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said "Yes,
my daughter is very sick......I stopped to get her some medication and I
locked my keys in my car, I must get home to her. Please, can you use this
hanger to unlock my car."
He said, "SURE". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute
the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH.....
You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man, see, I just got out of prison
today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out
loud....."THANK YOU, GOD, FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!!!!"
The Perfect Day for Her and for Him
------The Perfect Day for Her------
08:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
08:30 Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday
08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeeezed orange juice and croissants
09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny, personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at chic outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife; she has gained 30 pounds
01:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
04:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from a secret admirer
05:30 Pick out outfit for dinner for two, followed by dancing
10:30 Make Love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms
------The Perfect Day for Him------
06:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
07:00 Breakfast: filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
07:30 Limo arrives
07:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
08:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia (coffee, Sports Illustrated
and Wall Street Journal enroute)
09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
09:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekins
12:30 Back nine at Augusta (4 under par)
02:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
03:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
04:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 pounds)
05:00 Jet back and get a massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland
06:45 Shower and shave
07:00 Watch CNN Newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore
farm animal video released and authenticated
07:30 Dinner: Lobster appetizer, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz New York Steak
09:00 A 1978 Augier Cognac and Cuban Partagas Luistani Natural cigar
10:00 Sex with three women (blonde, brunette, redhead)
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
11:45 Bed (alone)
11:50 12 second, 4-octave fart; dog leaves room
11:55 Giggle yourself to sleep
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 11/24/99