A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by
a young woman with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed.
He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was
Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she
used it, the answer was "Yes."
Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse."
The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question
because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it
for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that
most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank,
could you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you
understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These
special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a Ph.D.
dissertation, other academic paper or attending management meetings.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"
.... I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"
.... This data is practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE
.... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still have hope of getting
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"
.... The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"
.... This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"
.... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed (or funded).
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"
.... Three times.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"
.... I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"
.... A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"
.... Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE
.... A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"
.... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a bottle
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A
COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"
.... I don't understand it
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"
.... They don't understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO
CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"
.... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"
.... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN
.... I quit.
A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The
owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.
"Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced
grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest.
The guy with the most sales gets a blow job."
"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.
The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets
to give it."
Finding his wife in bed with another man, the dismayed
husband cried out,
"Jan what are you doing?"
Turning to her lover, the wife frowned and said,
"Didn't I tell you he was an idiot?"
SOME MORE CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one
likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to
love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never
believed in Hell til I met you."
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I
can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?"
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're
not here to ruin it for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've
given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what
evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would
like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys
with boobs that are bigger than mine."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my
best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we
call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever
find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking
ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you
heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for
your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)
A wealthy trader from Wall Street stopped in at the local tattoo
parlor in Key West, Florida and requested to have a one hundred
dollar bill tattooed on his penis.
The heavily tattooed tattoo artist looked at the extremely well
dressed trader with a look of complete astonishment, and said
"I've had strange requests, but this one tops the list. Why in
the hell would you want me to tattoo your wanker with the picture
of a one hundred dollar bill?"
The trader in his usual fashion looked at the burly artist and told
this account. "There are three distinct reasons I want this done and
done immediately. One, I love to play with my money. Two, when I play
with my money, I love to see it grow. Three, and this is the most
important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks,
she won't have to leave home to do it."
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 11 /25 /2000