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Little Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

"Little Johnny, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart." Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked,
"Going to a costume party ?"

"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right... My last four scores were seven years ago."

Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

A: Beer nuts are $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.


Sound Familiar?

Please help me.

I am a very sick boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't do it myself. She is crying. Don't cry Mommy! Mommy is always sad, she says it's not my fault. I asked her if it was God's fault, but she didn't answer, and only started crying harder, so I don't ask her that anymore. The reason she is so sad is that I am so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to sleep. The doctors gave me an artificial body. My body is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us not having any money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said employers don't hire crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap body. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap, and it chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me.

You can help me if you forward this email. Dr. Johanson said if you forward this email to Bill Gates, he would team up with AOL and do a survey with NASA. Then the astronauts will collect prayers from school children all over America and take them up to space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Or maybe just use my lungs and heart, when the doctors make them. The doctors said that every time you forward this letter, the astronauts could take another prayer to the angels. Please help me. Mommy is so sad and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.

If you don't forward this email, that's OK. Mommy says you're a mean heartless son-of-a-bitch, who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death so you can burn forever in hell. What kind of a heartless person are you that you can't take five minutes to forward this to all of your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame for the rest of their day, and then maybe help a poor little bodiless nine-year- old boy? Please help me. This really SUCKS. I try to be happy but it's hard. I wish I had a puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy.
Thank You.
Billy Evans,
The boy with just a head.
And a burlap sack for a body.

One day Steve's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Steve's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in your son's closet."

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Steve's dad looked at her and said, "Well I DON'T think you should spank him."



1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch,You Bitch
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox In Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. The Cat in the Blender
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
18. The Grinch's Ten Inches

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 12 /02 /2000