01-06-2002

Parking Priest

A minister parked his car in a No Parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:

I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.

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Porridge

It's a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge!" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For gosh sakes, how many times do we have to go through this crap? I haven't made the porridge yet!"

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The Cave

Actual Memo From Osama Bin Laden Found In The Cave by the CIA.
Memo to: Cavemates
From:Osama
RE:The Cave
Hi Guys:

We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no 'I' in Al Qaeda" as well as the one that says "Hang In There!" That goddamn cat is hilarious! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns. First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful f#%$ing country on Earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, do not ride your Razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my f#%$ing Cheez-Its were half gone. A little freakin' consideration. That's all I'm saying. Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Randy, and Akbar.

Love you guys,

Osama

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Male and Female Nouns

It has often been suggested that English should have male and female nouns.
Here are a few candidates for consideration as useful male anad female nouns :

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

PENLIGHT -- male, because it can be turned on very easily, but isn't very bright.

TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed, and because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around and is good for killing bugs.

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Period

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Heck if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 1/6/02