01-19-2002
Home--Jokes Homepage
The Whale
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
TOP
Craps
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
TOP
Checkup
An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him
how he's feeling.
"I've never been better! " he replies. "I've got an
eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do
you think about that"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell
you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a
season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs
his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's in the woods and suddenly a
grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points
it at the bear and squeezes the handle.
The bear drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear."
"Exactly."
TOP
Tickets
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets
and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked
an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective
seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed
the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor
came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and
said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket
in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So,
after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers
on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and
all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket
for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy
a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed
accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a
restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby.
The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left
his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants
were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".
TOP
New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I
put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's
advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a
drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office
after mass he found the following note on his door:
Sip the vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There
are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. We do not refer
to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. David slew Goliath,
he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock
and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We
do not refer to the cross as the big T! When Jesus broke the bread
at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my
body", he did not say ,"Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred
to as the "Mary with the cherry." The recomended grace before a
meal is not:"Rub-Adub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." Next Sunday
there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter
pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
TOP
Home--Jokes Homepage
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 1/19/02