01-21-2001
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TIMES WHEN THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
"What the fuck was that?"
Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
General Custer
"You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?"
Michaelangelo
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers...my ass."
Noah
"I need a parade through downtown Dallas
like I need a fucking hole in my head."
John F. Kennedy
"Who the fuck is going to know?"
Bill Clinton
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THINGS MEN KNOW.... or think they do
Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked women.
Men know that PMS is Mother Natures way of telling you to get out of the
house.
Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.
Men know that there are at least three sides to every story; his, hers, and
the truth.
Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.
Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will
get them.
Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust
oneself.
Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare
at her cleavage.
Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons
not totally clear to them.
Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how
to cook them.
Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is
Bambi....
Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good
his daughter is in bed.
Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over
there.
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Games For When We're Older:
1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over
6. Doc, Doc Goose
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners
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There were three guys sitting behind three nuns at a football game.
The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move.
So the first one says to the others (loud enough for the women
ahead to hear), "I think I want to go to California,
there are only 100 Catholics living there."
The second guy speaks up and says, "I want to go to Washington,
there are only 50 Catholics living there."
The third guy speaks up and says, "I want to go to Idaho, there
are only 25 Catholics living there."
One of the nuns turns around, looks at the men and calmly says,
"Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any Catholics there."
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Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Its OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,
because you ARE someone else.
5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
AND....
1. You can do the whole neighborhood!!!
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Yule Party Christmas Party Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's
Open Pit Barbecue.
No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
We're not trying to exclude anyone, honest! How am I supposed to handle
this?
Somebody?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20
begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating,
drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously,
we
can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party -- the days are so short
this time of year or else package everything for take-home in little
foil swans.
Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to
sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice... what do you
Expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's
prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping"
employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle
during the band's breaks. Okay???
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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO
dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen
to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a
red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or
family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on
Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up for a minute?
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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're
going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue
whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the
table farthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly
put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including
hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings,
too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!
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FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 13
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy
recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to
forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 01 /21 /2001