02-03-2001

Little Johnny's mom asked little Johnny if he had enjoyed the field trip.
Johnny: "Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and fuckers."
Mom: "er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a fucker?"
Johnny: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk and steaks"
Mom: "but who said they were called, er, fuckers?"
Johnny: "that was our teacher. Well actually she called them "effers," but we all knew what she meant."

TOP

The 10th century was not a good time to be Pope. Pope Leo VII died of a heart attack during sex, Pope John VII was bludgeoned to death by the cuckolded husband of the woman he was making love with at the time, and Pope John XIII was also murdered by an irate husband who discovered His Holiness on top of his wife.

TOP

Baptism

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them....they thought perhaps it was because they weren't baptized. So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there.

One of the boys said, "We've got to be baptized cause no one will play with us. Will you baptize us?

So he took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, the oldest one asked, "What religion are we? We're not Catholic cause they pour the water on ya, and we're not Baptist cause they dunk all of you."

The littlest one said, "Remember where we were baptized? I know what we are....... we're Pisscopalians.

TOP

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time."

TOP

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No?"

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit shaking them while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! The dentist was disappointed since this joke had always worked in the past and the laugh or question of belief would have eased her tension some.

Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing uncontrollably.

The old woman blushed a deep red and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how hard it must be to make condoms!"

TOP

Sweet!

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Chris" at me when I was with my client. He agreed.

Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?" To which I replied "Go to hell, Gates, I'm in a meeting."

TOP

Home--Jokes Homepage

Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 02 /03 /2001