02-05-2000

THREE MICE PLAYING

    Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.

    The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.

    The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

    The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to screw the cat."

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Things To Think About

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

So what's the speed of dark?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Isn't Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people appear intelligent until you hear them speak?

How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" when they already know you don't have any?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adore?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

If Superman could stop bullets with his chest, why did he always duck when someone threw a gun at him?

Why does lemon juice contain "artificial ingredients" but dishwashing liquid contains "real lemons"?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Is boneless chicken considered an invertebrate?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

Why is it called rush hour when you hardly even move?

If Superman is so clever, why does he wear his underwear on the outside?

If an EZ Mart is open 24 hours a day, why do they have locks on the doors?

You know how they ship boxes that say "Open Here"? What are the chances you'll get one that says "Open Somewhere Else"?

Why does sour cream have a use by date? What's it going to do, go sweet?

Why is it, when you deliver something by car it's called a shipment, but if you deliver it by ship it's called cargo?

How do "Don't Walk On The Grass" signs get there?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is not allowed there?

If toast always lands on the butter side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat and dropped them both?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Why do they call it a "garage sale" if the garage is not for sale?

If a word was misspelled in the dictionary, how would we know?

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The Top 15 Slogans That Never Quite Caught On

15> Charmin: "Butt... Wipe... Err."

14> Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?"

13> Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum."

12> MTV: "Loud and easy to spell."

11> Saks 5th Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That Would be Stupid!"

10> Iguana: "The other green meat."

9> Penis Enlargement Specialists: "It Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing!"

8> Nike: "Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"

7> Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years."

6> Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!"

5> Pepto Bismol: "Squash the Squirts!"

4> Trojans: "Just add meat."

3> Apple MacIntosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!"

2> Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!"

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Slogan That Never Quite Caught On...

1> Professional Bowling on NBC: "Oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?"

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 2 /5 /2000