02-09-2002
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Painting
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok.
She replies yes. He then asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and he wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said "For best results, put on two coats."
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A Few One-Liners
* The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood
alcohol content.
* Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with
a relative.
* I live in my own little world. But it's OK... they know
me here.
* I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I
said, "Implants?"
* I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same
effect just standing up really fast.
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A Man and His Blonde Wife
A man and his blonde wife live in Chicago.
One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have
3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Jay's wife goes out and moves her car.A week later while they are eating
breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5
inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the
street, so the snowplow can get through."Jay's wife goes out and moves her
car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park...", then the electric power goes out. Jay's wife
says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?
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A Fly's Story
Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly
buzzing around a barn when she happened upon a large
pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours
since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs,
she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began
to pig out.
She ate and ate...and then...she ate some more!!!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her
face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times,
then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had eaten
far too much and could not get off the ground.
Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation,
she looked around and spotted a pitchfork leaning
upright against the barn wall. She'd found a
solution!! She realized if she could just climb up
that handle and jump off to become airborne she'd be
able to fly again.
So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the
handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her
tiny wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She
dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor.
Dead Fly.
What is the moral of this sad story?
"Never fly off the handle when you know you're
full of sh*t."
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Texas Baby
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. A women faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth?"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
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Al's Barn
Al's barn burned down, and, Mary, his wife, called
the insurance company.
Mary: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand
and I want my money."
Agent: "Now just a minute, Mary, it doesn't work
quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the
old barn and provide you with a new one of
comparable worth."
Mary, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy
on my husband."
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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 2/9/02