Free Speech on the Web


Home--Jokes Homepage
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive woman sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day; I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."


Two New Elements:

Two new additions to the periodic table of elements.

Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly.Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses Strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!


Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct Electricity as easily as younger samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

A man was eating at a diner, when a well-dressed man sitting next to him said, "Excuse me for intruding, but I could not help noticing your accent. Are you from Krakow?"

"Yes, I am," replied the surprised man.

"It is so nice to meet a land kinsman here in America," said the well-dressed man. "I tell you what. I am a vice-president at the Humor Network. If you ever need a job, give me a call and I will be happy to set you up."

Six months go by, and the man loses his job, and decides to call his new friend. He had completely forgotten the man's name at this point, so he decided to take a shot in the dark.

The receptionist answered, and he asked, "Pardon me, do you have a Krakauer there?"

"Sir," she replied, "we don't even get a coffee break!"

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to "take this note to your beautiful Mommy."

The note read:

       The Tent Pole Is Up,
       The Canvas Is Spread,
       The Hell With Breakfast,
       Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to "take this to your silly Daddy."

The note read:

       Take The Tent Pole Down,
       Put The Canvas Away,
       The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
       No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen."

The note read:

       The Tent Pole's Still Up,
       And The Canvas Still Spread,
       So Drop What You're Doing,
       And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to "take this to the poor dude upstairs."

The note read:

       I'm Sure That Your Pole's
       The Best In The Land.
       But I'm Busy Right Now,
       Do It By Hand!

Home--Jokes Homepage

Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 02 /17 /2001