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The Top 12 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support

12) "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
11) "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
10) "So-what are you wearing?"
09) "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
08) "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
07) "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
06) "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
05) "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
04) "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
03) "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
02) "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support...

01) "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."

"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?"

"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."

A brunnette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21."

A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21".

Suddenly, the brunnette hears a train whistle and jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place.

The Brunnette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting "22" "22" "22".


John Wayne brand

An old lady goes into a store and is looking over the toilet paper. There are several brands, and she's confused. The manager asks if he can help her. "Yes, what is the difference in these toilet papers?" she asks. "Well, Madam, this one is our very finest: soft as a baby's kiss, made of only the best material, at $1.50 per roll. "This next one is $1.00 per roll, and is considered a wonderfully soft paper. "And this one is our economy brand, no name, and sells for 20 cents per roll." "Give me the cheap one," she says, and out she goes. Two days later she's back in the store, and she says to the manager, "I've got a name for your cheap toiet paper........John Wayne brand: It's rough, it's tough, and it don't take shit off nobody."

In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, "Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them". She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for any volunteers.

Little Suzie raises her hand. Suzie: " I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched"

Teacher: "That's a good story, now what is the moral? Suzie: "Don't count your chickens before they are hatched". Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else?

Ralphie: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke"

Teacher: "Thats a nice story, what is the moral?" Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." Teacher: "Very good Ralphie, anyone else?"

Little Johnny: "Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was in the gulf war, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife."

Teacher: "Very interesting Johnny, what is the moral to your story? Little Johnny: "Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's drunk"!

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 2 /19 /2000