03-03-2001
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A man went to a storefront psychic for some spiritual guidance. The man
said, "There's a horrible dark cloud surrounding me." "I know," said the
psychic, "and for a hundred dollars, I can rid you of it." The man, eager
to be cured, handed over the money. The psychic then pulled out a book of
matches and lit one. The man said, "What do you call this dark and
horrible curse?"
The psychic waved the match in front of his butt and said, "Mexican food."
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Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Arkansas, and a detective
goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points
to the first dead man.
"This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery." He then moves on to the second smiling corpse.
"This is Bo," the coroner says with a grin. "He died while doing 'it' with Trudy-May." Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse.
"This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."
"Well," asks the detective, "Why in hell was the fool smiling?"
"Oh," says the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."
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Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first
one.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and
one to change the bulb.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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How To Be A Good Republican:
1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity
was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but the
recent increase in gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.
2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve
success all on their own.
3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect
Social Security checks on time.
4. You have to believe that someone like Michelle Pfeiffer can
really walk into an inner city classroom and accomplish miracles.
5. AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung
cancer don't deserve theirs.
6. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting
a gun.
7. You have to believe...everything Rush Limbaugh says.
8. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing
and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.
9. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the
death penalty.
10. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up
black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you
still won't vote for Alan Keyes.
11. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a
profit.
12. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't
pray to Allah or Buddha.
13. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really
faithful husbands.
14. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you
instantly popular in the barrio.
15. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still
virgins.
16. You have to be against government interference in business,
until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about
to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.
17. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus
shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President
Clinton.
18. You have to believe government has nothing to do with
providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.
19. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a
disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an
elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.
20. You only wanted Elian Gonzalez to stay in order to peeve the
President.
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Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in
the ribs and cackling, telling me "You're next!" They stopped after I
started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 03 /03 /2001