03-10-2001
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A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a
circus banner reading, "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein!" Curious, he
buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts: animals, clowns,
contortionists, etc. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the
center ring. There in the middle of the ring is a table with three
walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet tall and
barely able to walk to the table. He unzips his pants, whips out his
long shlong, and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three mighty
swings! The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly
Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of the clowns.
Twenty years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a
faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the
Amazing Goldstein." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much
less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket and sits through various
acts. Finally, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of
walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. As before, old Goldstein
takes forever to make it to the table. He unzips his fly and proceeds
to smash the coconuts with three swings of his amazing shlong.
The crowd goes wild! The salesman requests a meeting with him after
the show. In Goldstein's dressing room, the salesman tells him he's
never seen anything like his act. But he wants to know why he's now
smashing coconuts instead of the much easier walnuts.
"Vell," says Goldstein, "my eyes aren't vhat they used to be!"
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A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment. He
goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the Evening."
The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if
you'd care to, I'm available." So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom
and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she
notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long. But then the guy says,
"Rise, Caesar!" And his manhood rises to a full 12 inches. So they have a
great time, and after about five hours the madam is very impressed.
"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I
as wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a
look at you. You're really something special, you know." But the guy says,
"No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."
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A well off young man was moving from one street to another, a few streets
away. Observing with dismay the care-free way in which the moving crew
yanked his cherished antiques about, he was filled with a desire to save
from possible damages a tall grandfather's clock which he prized highly.
Taking the clock in his arms he started for the new house. But the clock was
as tall as its owner, and heavy besides, and he had to put it down every few
feet and rest his arms and mop his streaming brow. Then he would clutch his
burden and stagger on again. After half an hour of these strenuous exertions
he was nearing his destination, when an intoxicated person who had been
watching his labors from the opposite side of the road took advantage of a
halt to hail him. "Mister," he said thickly, "could I ash you a quest'n?"
"What is it?" demanded the exhausted young man.
"Why on earth don't you carry a watch?"
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A woman in a supermarket pushed a grocery cart with a screaming baby in it.
As she moved up and down the aisles, she kept murmuring, "Stay calm, Rachel.
Don't cry, Rachel. Don't scream, Rachel."
Another woman watched in admiration and then remarked, "You certainly have a
lot of patience with little Rachel."
"What do you mean?" snapped the woman. "I'm Rachel!"
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Little Johnny is absent from school one day. On his return his teacher
asks, "We didn't see you in class, what was wrong with you yesterday,
Johnny?"
"My Grandpa got burned, Miss," says Johnny.
Taken aback, the teacher replies "Thats a shame, Johnny. Was he badly
burned?"
Johnny looks at her. "They don't screw around at the crematorium,
Miss."
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An old man was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to his
toes - "Hello toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you're 82
today. Oh the times we've had! Remember when we walked in the park in
summer, every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance
floor? Happy birthday, toes!"
"Hello knees," he proceeded. "How are you, knees? You know, you're 82
today. Oh the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade?
Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! If you were alive
today, you'd be 82 years old!!"
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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 03 /10 /2001