04-07-2001

Geek Joke

Shooting Yourself in the Foot With Various Programming Languages:

370 JCL
You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot.
Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

6502
You shoot yourself in the foot.

68000
You can't decide which gun and which bullet to use, so you hang yourself.

8080
You foot yourself in the shoot.

Access
You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.

Ada
1
If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."
2
After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.

Algol
You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.

APL
1
You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.
2
You hear a gunshot and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what has happened.

Assembler
1
You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.
2
You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight.

BASIC (compiled)
You shoot yourseld in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missle launcher.

BASIC (interpreted)
Shoot yourself in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

C
You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++
You accidentially create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

Clipper
You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that you can shoot yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that the bullet fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the mail REAL SOON NOW.

COBOL
USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

Concurrent Euclid
You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

dBase
You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually shoot bullets.

dBase v1.0
You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun was a poorly designed grenade, and the whole building blows up.

DOS
You finally find the gun, but can't find the file with the foot for the life of you.

English
You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.

Forth
Foot in yourself shoot.

FORTRAN
You shoot yourself in each toe, interatively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.

HTML
1
You shoot yourself in the foot, only to find out that no matter how gory the result looks, your foot keeps working. Your foot finally stops working when you stub your toe kicking the box the gun came in.
2
Shoot here

HyperTalk
Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.

Java
You write a program to shoot yourself in the foot and put it on the Internet. People all over the world shoot themselves in the foot.

lisp
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ...

Logo
1
You can easily shoot the gun, but first you have to work out the geometry to be sure the bullet goes into your foot. 2
You tell a turtle to draw a picture of a foot and a gun, then shoot the turtle.

MED-PC
You can't shoot yourself in the foot, but you can train a pigeon to pull the trigger.

Microsoft C++ w/Windows SDK
You write about 100 lines of code to print "hello, world!" in a dialogue box, only to have a UAE pop up when you click on OK. This shuts down the program manager, leaving you nothing but a screensaver. You then fly to Washington and shoot Bill Gates in the foot.

Modula-2
After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

Motif
You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

Nedula/2
After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

Objective-C
You write a protocol for shooting yourself in the foot so that all people can get shot in their feet.

Occam
You shoot both your feet with several guns at once.

Oracle
You decide to shoot yourself in the foot and go out to buy a gun - except the gun won't work without "deploying" a shoulder holster solution, and relational titanium alloy bullets, and body armour infrastructure, and a laser sight assistant, and a retractable arm stock application, and an enterprise team of ballistics experts and a chiropodist.

ORCA/C
Byteworks keeps promising to supply good ammunition REAL SOON NOW.

Paradox
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.

Pascal
The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

Perl
!($foot =-/left/) # ! read as "Bang!"

PL/1
After consuming all system resources including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes and drops the original on your foot.

Prolog
You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.

Prolog (interpreted)
Your program tries to shoot you in the foot, but you die of old age before the bullet leaves the gun.

Revelation
You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.

SAS
1
You spend three hours trying to cut your way through your foot with a rock flake, only to realize that the language was invented before guns allowed you to shoot yourself in the foot interactively in one easy step with no programming.
2
You have no idea that the gun, the bullet, or your foot exists. The gun is locked in a safe in a bank vault on the other side of the galaxy, the bullet is locked in a safe in a bank vault in another galaxy, and the people who know the combinations for the safes and bank vaults died ten million years ago. Still, the gun goes off and fires the bullet through your foot.

Scheme
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ... but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.

sh,csh
You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C.

SmallTalk
You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.

SNOBOL
If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

SQL
You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fit the attachment at the end of your leg.

Unix
1
% ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm *.o
rm: .o: No such file or directory
% ls
%
2
% ls -a --color
man src MakeFile
% rm *.o
rm *.o: No such file or directory
% make ShootFoot; make INSTALL

Visual Basic
You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.

VMS
$ MOUNT/DENSITY=.45/LABEL=BULLET/MESSAGE="BYE" BULLET::BULLET$GUN SYS$BULLET
$ SET GUN/LOAD/SAFETY=OFF/SIGHT=NONE/HAND=LEFT/CHAMBER=1/ACTION=AUTOMATIC/LOG/ALL/FULL
SYS$GUN_3$DUA3:[000000]GUN.GNU
$ SHOOT/LOG/AUTO SYS$GUN SYS$SYSTEM:[FOOT]FOOT.FOOT
%DCL-W-ACTIMAGE, error activating image GUN
-CLI-E-IMGNAME, iamge file $3$DUA240:[GUN]GUN.EXE;1
-IMGACT-F-NOTNATIVE, image is not an OpenVMS Alpha AXP image

WorldBuilder
You can't shoot yourself in the foot, but you can shoot the feet of plenty of monsters.

XBase
Shooting yourself is no problem. If you want to shoot yourself in the foot, you'll have to use Clipper.

Z
You write out all the specifications of your foot, the bullet, the gun, and the relevant laws of physics, but all you can do is prove that you can shoot yourself in the foot.

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