04-08-2000

Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.

Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

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A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "D-d-d-doc, I've b-b-b-been st-st-st-stuttering for y-y-years, and I'm t-t-tired of it. C-c-c-can you h-h-help me?"
Doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on." So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is."
The guy says, "W-w-well, wh-wh-what is it, d-d-doc?"
Doc says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."
The guy says, "Wh-wh-what c-c-can we d-d-d-do?"
Doc says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
The guy says, "D-d-d-do it!"
The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on."
The doc says, "N-n-n-n-o w-w-w-ay! A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal!"

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YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TEXAS WHEN.....

Those of you not in Texas - sorry you are going to miss this...

You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car...
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.....
You can say 110 degrees without fainting....
You eat hot chili to cool your mouth off....
You can make sun tea instantly...
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron....
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance...
Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one....
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets....
You actually burn your hand opening the car door....
Sunscreen is sold year round and kept at the front of the checkout counter...
A formula less than 30SPF is a joke and you only wear that to go to the corner store....
Hot air balloons can't go up....
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car....
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear: What if I get knocked out and lay on the pavement and cook to death?
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.....

HAPPY TEXAS SUMMER!!!

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Joan, a rather well-proportioned though near-sighted secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but always removed her glasses for an even facial tan.

After several days she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her bottom.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have for the past week."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the diningroom skylight!"

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 4 /8 /2000