04-18-1999

Wizard?

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!" The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Ku Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here before my flock of loyal followers."

Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded, "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

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Selective Hearing

She says:

This place is a mess! C'mon,You and I need to clean up,Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

He hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

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Republicans Can Be Cured!
by Daniel Mendelsohn
The New York Times - Editorial

The startling discovery that the affiliation with the Republican Party is genetically determined, announced by scientists in the current issue of Nurture, threatens to overshadow the announcement by Government scientists that there might be a gene that codes for homosexuality in men.

Reports of the gene that codes for political conservatism, discovered after a long study of quintuplets in Orange County, Calif.,have sent shock waves through the medical, political, and golfing communities.

Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that Republicans' unnatural and frequently unconstitutional tendencies result from unhealthy family life - a remarkably high percentage of Republicans had authoritarian, domineering fathers and emotionally distant mothers who didn't teach them how to be kind and gentle. But biologists have long suspected that conservatism is inherited. "After all," said one author of the Nurture article, "It's quite common for a Republican to have a brother or sister who is a Republican."

The finding has been greeted with relief by parents and friends of Republicans, who have tended to blame themselves for the political views of otherwise lovable people - their children, friends and unindicted co-conspirators. One mother, a longtime Democrat, clasped her hands in ecstasy on hearing of the findings. "I just knew it was genetic," she said, seated beside her two sons, both avowed Republicans. "I just knew nobody would actually choose that life style!"

When asked what the Republican life style was she said, "Well, you can just tell from watching TV, like at he convention in Houston: the loud outfits, the flaming xenophobia, the flamboyant demagogy - you know." Both sons said they had suspected their Republicanism from an early age but did not confirm it until they were in college, when they became convinced it wasn't just a phase they were going through. Despite the near-certainty of the medical community about Republicanism's genetic origins, troubling issues remain. The Nurture article offered no response to the suggestion that the startlingly high incidence of Republicanism among siblings could result from the fact that they share not only genes but also psychological and emotional attitudes, being the products of the same parents and family dynamics. And it remains to be explained why so many avowed Democrats are know to vote Republican occasionally - or at least to fantasize about doing so. Polls show that three out of five adult Democrats admit to having had a Republican experience. In well adjusted people, however, this experimentation rarely outlasts adolescence. Surprisingly, some Republican activists hail the findings as a step forward rather than as an invitation to more conservophobia. They argue that since Republicans didn't "choose" their unwholesome lifestyle any more than someone "chooses" to have a ski-jump nose, they shouldn't be denied civil rights to which normal people are entitled. Other Republicans, recalling 19th century scientific studies that "proved" the mental inferiority of blacks, find the frenzied search for the biological cause of Republicanism pointless, if not down right sinister. But for most real Americans, the discovery opens a window on a brighter tomorrow. In a few years, gene therapy could eradicate Republicanism altogether.

If conservatism is not the result of sheer orneriness (as many suspect) but is something Republicans can't help and probably even don't like, there's no reason why we shouldn't tolerate Republicans in the military or even high elected office - provided they don't flaunt their political beliefs.

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Oddly Funny Quote

"Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value under the public's 'right to know.'"

Kenneth Starr, 1987, "60 Minutes" interview

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The 5 Kinds of Sex:

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"

5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

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What do Lucille Ball and Monica Lewinsky have in common?

They both had sex with a Cuban.

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