04-23-1999

An instructor was sitting in his office one afternoon when an attractive, sexy-looking student knocked on his door.

Yes? he replied, how may I help you? The student said: "I need to talk to you about my grade in your class."

"Come in and have a seat," said the instructor.

"Is there anything I can do to get an "A" in your class?"

"What do you mean by "anything," he responded.

She wriggled provocatively in her seat and murmured: "You know what I mean - Anything!"

Anything???

She smiled and assented, in her best sultry voice: "I mean ANYTHING."

The instructor got up from behind his desk, came over to her chair, cupped her cheek in his hand, and whispered in her ear: "Would you study?"

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An Aggie, a pig, and a dog were the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they got into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better to the Aggie, so he leaned toward it and put his arm around it. The dog became jealous and growled fiercely at the Aggie, until he removed his arm from the pig.

They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in pretty bad shape when they rescued her, but they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. The Aggie started getting those "ideas" again, so he leaned toward the girl and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

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"I have such poor vision I can date anybody." --Garry Shandling

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second." --Steven Wright

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three bestfriends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." --Lily Tomlin

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" --Rita Rudner

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." --David Letterman

"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing." --Bob Saget

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it." --Steven Wright

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?" --John Mendoza

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' " --Bruce Baum

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

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POSSIBILITIES ABOUND AS BARBIE TURNS 40

Yes, it's hard to believe, but in 1999 Barbie will turn 40, just in time to greet the new century. And they've been 40 full, rich years. She began as a glamorous airline stewardess when she was introduced at Toy Fair in 1959. She soared into space as an astronaut in 1974, ran for president in 1992, and, in 1997, she bore disability bravely, folding her first-ever bending legs into a wheelchair to become a role model once again for a newly identified market.

In every incarnation, nationality, and skin tone, she's perfectly turned out, with accessories galore at her long slender fingertips. She's Everywoman, she's the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what will Mattel think of next as the company meets the challenge of Barbie turning 40?

Why fight age? Why not capitalize on it in every way possible? Here are some ideas Mattel might consider for a past 40 Barbie:

BIFOCALS BARBIE. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

HOT FLASH BARBIE. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

FACIAL HAIR BARBIE. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

COOK'S ARMS BARBIE. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.

BUNION BARBIE. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.

NO MORE WRINKLES BARBIE. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

SOCCER MOM BARBIE. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

MIDLIFE CRISIS BARBIE. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

SINGLE MOTHER BARBIE. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.

RECOVERY BARBIE. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.

Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home (both new and improved -- wheelchair-accessible and retrofitted to conform to ADA code requirements), the possibilities (not to mention the accessories) are endless.

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A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk.

It was a great cow had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.

They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

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The Magician and the Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up.
Where's the boat?"

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 6/9/99