04-25-1999

KING DAVID ADMITS TO ADULTERY, MURDER OF SERVANT

By Dwayne Eutsey
Staff Scribe

Jerusalem--In a stunning admission of guilt last night King David acknowledged that he had an "inappropriate relationship" with Bathsheba, the wife of his loyal servant Uriah the Hittite, which resulted not only in her pregnancy but in the betrayal and murder of Uriah as he fought in the Royal Army during the Ammonite War.

David made the confession after it was clear that his confidant Nathan T. Prophet, who had been subpoenaed by indepedent counsel H.A. Seytan, would cooperate with the investigation into the affair. It is rumored that Prophet has received inside information from a source in "high places" about David's involvement in the scandal.

"Have mercy on me, O God," a contrite David said in his speech. "Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin." While some believe the sincerity of his plea, many question whether David's confession is just another "song and dance" he has written for inclusion in his growing collection of Psalms. Temple insiders admit that because of the "immoral" nature of David's actions, they are now debating whether his Book of Psalms can even be included in the sacred canon.

Independent Counsel Seytan, rebounding from his failed probe into Job's faith claims, said in a statement today that he feels vindicated by the recent turn of events. Because he is still completing his report into the Bathsheba affair, Seytan declined further comment. He did say before disappearing in a puff of smoke that he intends to "get to the bottom" of the enigmatic claim made by the King last night when he also admitted that he "was born guilty, a sinner when my mother conceived me." "If the King's been guilty for that long," Seytan said, "I wonder what else he's trying to hide."

Although Seytan's report will not be released for another few weeks, pundits speculate that it may force the King to resign. Legal experts say the Bathsheba affair, with its adultery, murder, and coveting, violates at least three of the Ten Commandments. Political foes of David, who have questioned his kingship since his involvement in the mysterious death of Goliath T. Giant, argue that the King has never been fit for office. "I've seen the Messiah," one senior prophet said on background. "The Messiah is a vision of mine, and believe me, King David is no Messiah."

TOP

In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian John Cleese explained three reasons why the British are superior to Americans:

1. They speak English.
2. When they host a world championship they invite other countries.
3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee.

TOP

New Aphorisms

"If anything can go wrong, fix it!" (to hell with Murphy)

"When the going gets tough, the weak get screwed"

"If you can't win, change the rules"

"If you can't change the rules, ignore them"

"If you can't beat them, join them, then beat them"

"When in doubt, THINK!"

"The squeaky wheel gets replaced"

"NO simply means begin again at one level higher"

"When given a choice, take both"

"Who cares if the glass is half full or half empty??? It's evaporating anyway!"

"Forget committees. New, noble world changing ideas always come from one person working alone late at night by the light of a lamp"

"Never prod a woman unless you have to. She will kill you faster than a man and for less reason, even if she weeps over it after."

"When a woman is on her high horse, shoot the horse."

"Trust no one but yourself, and yourself not too much"

TOP

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. If you'd like anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub. Their carpets are always clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need any pictures taken. They believe the stock market is a random crapshoot, and the entire insurance industry is one huge scam perpetrated by Mafioso accountants. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"This is not an answering machine: this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where you can be reached, and my owner will think about returning your call."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very, very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hi. Now you say something."

TOP

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

TOP

Quotes

"I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying - that's what I get paid for." - England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European championships. England didn't win a game.

"I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.

"I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973.

"That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.

"You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." - Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.

"Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane is scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.

"You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.

"Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.

"Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.

"Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." - Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine.

"There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.

"The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.

"The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.

"All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.

"Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914.

"Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the US Patent Office, 1899.

"And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.
TOP

Home--Jokes Homepage

Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 6/9/99