04-27-1999

One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"

The Pirate responded " We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg."

Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?"

The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."

The bartender then asked " Then where did ya get the eye patch from?"

The pirate said " In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye."

The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?"

The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."

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"Southern Belle in NYC"

Miss Annabell has just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as they sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and says with a blush in a hush, "Why, when I caught my breath, and recovered my senses, I called him 'Precious!'"

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It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"

"So would I," quipped the girl, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."

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TOP 16 SIGNS YOU ARE GROWING OLDER:

16. You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.
15. You turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones.
14. You read the obituaries to find eligible women.
13. Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.
12. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
11. College kids call you mister.
10. The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
9. A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.
8. After painting the town red, you need to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
7. It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night long.
6. You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.
5. After climbing the ladder of success and reaching the top, you realize
that it was leaning on the wrong wall.
4. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
3. The best part of the day is over when the alarm clock rings.
2. All the names in your little black book end with MD.
1. You get all your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercised.

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The Airman

By the time the airman got into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Army guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired airman assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the airman came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the airman.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the airman explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

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POLITICALLY CORRECT HALLOWEEN

Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween. Consider some old Halloween activities, for example:

WITCH BURNING: Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA types will be on you like stink on shit. What 30 centuries of white male authors used to call witches, are today respected as complexion-impaired, wardrobe-challenged wom... uh, womyn.

WINDOW WAXING: These days you'll only set off the light-, noise-, motion-, and aroma-sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and revolving lights, if you're lucky enough not to leave prime filet of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler.

TRICK-OR-TREATING: This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb their noses at the law and be back on the street before the candy runs out.

And then there are the treats themselves:

Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin, soft-bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride-free) dentifrice.

Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out. Any worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours.

Certain traditional Halloween games are not politically correct:

That icky old "autopsy" game in which you blindfold little kids and tell them a plate of spaghetti is guts and a bowl of peeled grapes is eyeballs will cost you your homeowners insurance because of the choking hazard, and due to the risk of suits for emotional damage.

Pin the tail on the donkey, with a real pin? Uh uh, cruelty to animals or their depictions is a no-no.

Bobbing for apples is permitted, as long as there's an equal (and not separate) opportunity to jane for them, too.

Jill-o'-lanterns are encouraged, after 1997 they will be mandatory.

And, finally, costumes:

Ghosts are out of date. Casper is clearly a dead, white male, probably European, and full of hot air to boot.

Fairy princess costumes might offend both gays and feminists.

Frankenstein monster costumes will offend transplant recipients, not to mention employment-producing neck-bolt manufacturers.

Dracula outfits will bring stern warning letters from the Transylvanian consulate.

Those neat masks with jaws rotted away, eyes bulging on distended optic stalks and massive, oozing wounds will get you in trouble with lawyers who specialize in representing accident victims on contingency bases. Which is to say, all of them.

Disney costumes. Sleepy and Dopey will anger the vertically-impaired, Cinderella the adoption agencies, and Aladdin the Arab-American lobby.

Uncle Remus? You might as well wear your robe and pointy hat.

A cowperson? Perhaps, but don't pack a gun. And don't even think about punching a cow.

So there you are. The scariest thing about Halloween these days is that you're not allowed to offend or scare anyone. And if someone scares you, you can't scream. In some communities, any auditory emissions over 75 decibels is a zoning violation punishable by a fine and/or jail term. Whether you can react instead with a sullen but non-denominational moment of silence will be considered later this term by the Supreme Court. Until then, do so at your own risk.

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 6/9/99