04-28-2002

1. WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT

So your daughter's a hooker,
And it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side -
It's really good pay.

2. PARENTAL ARGUMENT

During a generation gap argument with his parents, young Michael told his parents, " I want freedom, excitement, adventure, and beautiful women, and I can't find all that living here. I'm leaving. Don't try to stop me."

With that he heads for the door. His father was right behind him.
"Didn't you hear me? Don't try to stop me!"

"Who's trying to stop you?" his father replies. "I'm going too."

3. WHATEVER YOU LIKE

A farmer was hauling manure, and he happened by a senior citizen's home. One of the elderly residents on the porch hollered, "Sonny, what are you going to do with that manure?"
The farmer replied, I'm going to put it on my strawberries."
The old man said, "Well, Sonny, then you should eat here. Around here, we put whipped cream on our strawberries!"

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Kids Say the Honest-est Things

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"

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Out Drinking Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he would crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.

So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN OUT DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

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Sixth Sense?

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future.
One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa."
The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.

A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street - she never felt a thing.

A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy."

His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words, "Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully. He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened oday, dear? The most awful thing - the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."

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1. BETTER BE SPECIFIC

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. Picking it up, he pulls out the cork. Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie. The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return, I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "Perfect. I always dreamed of this, and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Suddenly, there is a flash of light, and a detailed list with Swiss Bank account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues. "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." There is another flash of light, and a bright red Ferrari appears right next to him.

He goes on. "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." A final blaze of light, and he turns into a box of chocolates!

2. SODA MACHINE

There was a blonde woman at a soda machine. She put a dollar in the slot and pushed the Pepsi button. The Pepsi came out, so she took it and put the change in her purse.

She took another dollar out, put it in the machine, and pressed the Mountain Dew button. The Mountain Dew came out, and she took the change and put it in her purse.

Meanwhile, a big line was forming behind her, but she kept taking her money out, putting it in the machine, and pressing buttons.

Someone in the line finally said, "Come on, lady! What's taking you so long?"

She answered, "Duh! I'm still winning!"

3. QUESTION FOR THE AGES

If you've ended up in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 4/28/02