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Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules.
Helen said, "Amanda,I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what’s your secret?"
"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o’clocksharp."
"You wake up at six o’clock?" "Yes, and then I look at the clock,see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."



Of course I love ya darling
your a bloody top notch bird
and when I say ur gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I dont mind a bit of flab
it means that when I'm ready
there's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I dont care
so long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms around there

No sheila who is your age
has nice round perky breasts
they just gave into gravity
but I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
that you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nannas grave now
the moment that we met
I thought u was as good as I
was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
now shut up while the footys on
and get me another beer!

A 47 year old man had plastic surgery. He is very pleased with the results.
Everywhere he goes, he asks people how old they think he is. When he bought a newspaper at the news stand, he asked the man how old he thought he was. The man guessed 35, and the 47 year old man was ecstatic! When he got his breakfast at McDonald's he asked the boy how old he thought he was. The boy guessed 29, the 47 year old man was ecstatic! When he was waiting to get on the bus, he asked an old woman standing there how old she thought he was.
She told the guy, "Son, I'm 83 years old. One thing I have learned to do is to determine how old a man is. I've developed my own method, but I will have to put my hand down your pants." The guy looks around, sees no one, and says, ok. After holding on for a while, and playing with it some, the old lady announces that the guy is 47 years old. The guy is taken back, and he asks, "How did you know that?" The old lady answered, "I was standing right behind you at McDonald's."
I guess you'd say, she was ecstatic.


Texas-isms You Will Hear from the White House

The White House is not just getting a new team, but a whole new language.
George W. Bush will be bringing with him many friends from Texas, and for anyone not born in the Lone Star State, the Texan accent and the cowboy colloquialisms can seem a it strange.

Here is a guide to a few of the more colorful expressions they might encounter:

1. The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not overly-intelligent

2. As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party (self-explanatory)

3. Tighter than bark on a tree = Not very generous

4. Big hat, no cattle = All talk and no action

5. We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced

6. He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He has a pretty high opinion of himself

7. She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth = That woman can talk

8. It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = We really could use a little rain around here

9. Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceptive.

10. This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around awhile.

11. He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = Not the most handsome of men

12. They ate supper before they said grace = Living in sin

13. Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told

14. As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = Rather prone to boasting

15. You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 04 /30 /2001