05-01-1999

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes that she is headed straight toward his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"

She turns and smiles and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

Whoa! He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"

She flips her long hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

Really", he says, swallowing hard, again. "And what myths are those?"

She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Irish descent who romance women best, on average."

Very interesting" the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name."

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto.......... Tonto Murphy."

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YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE 80'S IF:

You know what a "burnout" is.
You know what "Sike" means.
You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".
You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer".
You wanted to be a Goonie.
You know who Max Headroom is.
You ever wore flourescent, neon if you will, clothing.
You could breakdance, or wish you could.
You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
You wanted to be on StarSearch.
You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew someone who did.
You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout".
You HAD to have your MTV.
You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future".
You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
Your stack of Garbage Pail Kids cards are lost in the garage somewhere.
You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince".
You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
You own any cassettes.
You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
You remember and/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from Pizza Hut.
Or any other stupid collection they came out with.
Poltergeist freaked you out.
You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
You know what a Doozer is.
You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who did.
You ever had a Swatch Watch.
You can name the members of Duran Duran.
You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.
You know what a "Whammee" is.
You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.

If you can identify with at least half of this list then you are most certainly a product of the 80's!

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Don't Try This at Home!

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash to register."

The husband says: "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey. I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says: "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!"

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A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself.

Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physician's aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out. Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway.

Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem.". "What is it?" the man asked. "Why you have an abscess," said the dentist. "An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man. "That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone knows...
Abscess makes the fart go Honda."

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A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read,
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read,
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 6/9/99