00-00-2001

Ouch

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.

By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. '"Ed! The garbage disposal is dead.
Come reset it."

"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.

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EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS

1. You - Off my planet.
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
17. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
18. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
19. Earth is full. Go home.
20. Is it time for your medication or mine?
21. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
22. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

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PUNSTER WARNING

At the bottom of the Bermuda Triangle
is a wreck tangle.

When ancient wall sculptors were finished,
it was a relief.

A Californian man has invented a robotic parking attendant.
He's calling it the Silicon Valet.

An unemployed jester is nobody's fool.

Sign at a nudist camp:
Sorry - Clothed for Winter.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Drilling for oil is boring.

Did you hear about the guy who bought the underground storage room of the bank?
People complained that it was all his vault.

If Dracula is killed,
and then brought back to life,
has he been re-vamped?

A botanist claimed to have discovered a nomadic tree in the African jungle?
apparently it just packs up it's trunk and leaves.

If you shake up a can of beer,
and spill it on your stove,
do you get foam on the range?

My cat got stolen.
I think she was taken by a purr snatcher.

The grave of Karl Marx
is just another Communist plot.

When the young boy couldn't get off his horse at riding school,
all the other children derided him.

There's a world famous Steak House in my home town.
It's a house of grill repute.

I looked up synonyms for "diet" in my thesaurus,
and found myself at words for a loss.

Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?

A university student fell in love and dropped out of school to marry her young love.
She wrote to her parents to say that she had put the heart before the course.

Illuminated golf courses were invented for people who liked swinging nightclubs.

Kill a circus act.
Go for the juggler.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

A friend of mine told some jokes about religion
and got put on the Sects Offenders List.

A new car has been designed especially for the Los Angeles rush hour....
It's called a stationary wagon.

Smith & Wesson -
The first point-and-click interface?

When Noah was loading the Ark,
where did he put the bees?
In the Ark-hives, of course.

There was also a vampire
who became a vegetarian....
he turned into a fruit bat.

Feudalism:
It's your Count that votes.

A neutron goes into a bar
and asks the bartender,
"How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies,
"For you, no charge."

Having children.
What an heir raising experience!

Q: What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.

Income tax-time is when you test your powers of deduction.

When I was a child I tried to eat all of an orange.
I found out then that a rind is a terrible thing to taste.

Old golfers don't get mad -
the just get a little teed off.

Whenever I go near a bank,
I get withdrawal symptoms.

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 05 /05 /2001