05-10-1999
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Larry's barn burned down, and, Susan, his wife, called the insurance company.
Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
Agent: "Whoa there just a minute, Susan, it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you
with a new one of comparable worth."
Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
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Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of all the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished the first batch, she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
She was very disappointed and started to cry.
The clerk, tried to console her and said,
"Don't worry. Some day your prints will come."
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The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.
Why is it difficult to find single men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."
How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
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A man at a bar, deep in private thoughts, turned to a woman just passing and said, 'Pardon me, Miss, do you happen to have the time?'
The woman screamed 'How dare you make such a filthy, lewd, disgusting proposition to me!'
The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the bar had turned in their direction. 'I was just asking for the time, Miss,' he mumbled, terrified. The woman then shrieked 'I'll call the police if you say another word!'
Grabbing his drink, the man crept to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.
A few moments later, the woman joined him. In a very quiet whisper she said, 'Sir, I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements.'
The man stared at her for five seconds, and then leaned back and bellowed, 'You'd do all that for me for just $2? And you'd do it to
every other guy in the bar for another ten?'
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe, to come and try to I.D. the body.
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yeh, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba."
The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was kind of strange.
Then he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body, and Billy-Joe looked at him and said, "Yeh, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba."
The mortician said, "-How can you tell?" Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yeh. Everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 6/9/99